I had a hard time deleting the baby image below that shows how far along I was. Pushing the ‘remove’ button seemed as if I was deleting my little one. You see, this little one is still inside of me, but is no longer living.
In case you do not know my past, I had a beautiful stillborn at 37 weeks in 2008, one last June at 21 weeks and a miscarriage last November. You can read more about my stillbirths above if you’d like. Needless to say, I was a little nervous about this pregnancy.
But, I also had high hopes that everything would be ok. I saw this little one and the heartbeat about three weeks ago. Everything looked normal and I was ecstatic to see that heartbeat.
Then the spotting came. I tried to calm my fears as this did happen on and off a couple of times and eventually stopped. But, not this time. I felt like I needed to go in and see my midwife. I was worried, but I also was just trying to give it to the Lord. I didn’t want to go in and be seen. I dreaded it, for each time I had a problem in the past, it ended up being a devastation.
My husband went along with me, thank goodness, but just before we were leaving, I felt almost panicky. A sickening dread came over me, the same feeling I had when I went in to be seen with my two stillbirths. I tried not to panic and to be strong for my children. They had no idea what was going on. I didn’t have the heart to tell them. My son put his hands on my belly and talked to the deceased baby and I almost broke down. “Be strong, Susie, be strong,” I kept saying to myself.
On the way, my husband said that I had that all too familiar look in my eyes, the look of no hope, of knowing the outcome wouldn’t be good. I tried to smile and say that I didn’t know what to think.
As I spoke with my midwife, she had that same look. My hope sunk even further. Then came the Doppler that finds the heartbeat. I had been through this twice already with a bad outcome. I hated it. I really hated it! The more she moved it around, my heartbeat began to beat so fast, that I thought she found the baby’s heartbeat. She calmly said that it was mine. I thought my heart was going to thump out of my chest! Pure agony, that moment when you realize that this could be it, again.
I still hung on to hope. Maybe she just couldn’t find it. Here we go again. I had been through this false hope with my other two as we proceeded to do an ultrasound. Of course, there really was no heartbeat on the ultrasound either. Another breakdown by me, as I just wanted to throw in the white towel and give up having another baby.
Why would He allow me to get pregnant just to take them all away? That was my first question. Anger tried to seep it’s way into me towards God, but, I quickly squashed it as I new it would not help the situation or my relationship with God. I felt deeply saddened and defeated.
I felt as if I had let my family down, again. Why couldn’t I carry one to term and hold this precious child? Why couldn’t my husband and children enjoy having a newborn babe in the family?
My husband reassured me that it wasn’t my fault. I know he is right, but sometimes I can’t help but feel that way.
I will be going in for a D & C Friday. I decided not to wait and let it happen. With my two stillborns and other miscarriage, it took abnormally longer than anyone had expected. My midwives were baffled with each one. I guess my body knew it wasn’t right to let go of these little ones.
Through all of this, God has calmed me and given me peace. I know that His plans for me are so much greater than mine. I love Him, even more! I can’t explain it, but, I know He is working in my life. His hand is molding me into who He wants me to be. I surrender myself to Him and humbly ask that He shows me what He wants me to learn. If I choose not to do this, then losing my baby would be all for nothing.
Just like Jesus. When we choose to sin, we devalue His death and say His sacrifice was all for nothing. I choose Jesus. I choose His will for me. I choose His death and resurrection. I choose His hands as my Potter.
Through these trials, I will persevere. For one day, I will see the results, and what a reunion it will be!
You can read about our precious stillborns here.