I’d Rather Be Broken

It’s been over a month since my miscarriage at 14 weeks.  But, I didn’t have the heart to tell you, to tell anyone really.  I thought of deleting my last post that announced my pregnancy, but it would not have been done with good intentions.  So, here we are, another loss, half of my 10 children are in heaven, two of which I had the privilege to hold.

If you have read my pregnancy announcement, you will see that I felt God had answered my prayer about this pregnancy.  So sure was I that I shared it with you all and had so much peace.  But, for some unknown reason, it wasn’t meant to be. 

I’ll admit, this one made me question, made me angry at first, made me feel things I’d never felt towards God before.  I felt betrayed, unloved and totally abandoned.  I’m not going to tell you that I humbly swallowed my negative emotions and praised God through it all.  I’m not going to tell you how I squared my shoulders and went on with my Christian walk with God.

I can’t give you any answers.  I can’t tell you why God allowed this to happen or why He lead me to believe He answered me and gave me hope for the pregnancy.  But, I can tell you this:

I am broken.
And I’m okay with that.
I realize now that being broken is the only true way to know Him more, to desire Him like never before.  I can’t explain it, all I know is He has wakened a desire in me, a longing for Him, an opening way down in the depths of my soul.  It hurts yet it fills me with joy.  Joy because I long for Him, pain because I am exposed.
Slowly, God is removing all of the rubble.  
Yes, I can rejoice in that.

13 comments on “I’d Rather Be Broken

  1. I am so sorry. I know how you feel. I too had a miscarriage. You are completely right. A loss like this does bring you closer to God and it's a closeness you never want to let go of. My miscarriage was 19 years ago, but it's something you never forget and get reminded of often. Praying for you dear friend.

  2. We all love you and hurt with you! Thank you for being so open and broken for us to see. So many people put on a brave face and go on, which is why so many people hurt so much when bad things happen, because they don't know that EVERYONE hurts when these things happen and they don't know how to process the emotions and don't know it is okay to hurt, to be mad and to "hash it out with God", he already knows your heart, so why try to tell him you don't hurt the way you really do? Praying for your family.

  3. Thank you for honestly sharing your pain AND your joy. God's ways really are hard to understand, but we can praise Him because He truly does work all things together for good. God bless you on your journey.

  4. My prayers are with you, It truly is as the good book says when we are our weakest…He is strong. I totally understand the bittersweet you speak of…that pain that ushers you right into Him. Sometimes I felt like I right at His feet, the feeling brought me great peace. I am so sorry to hear this but I also truly believe that our Father does deal in full restoration and will restore all that has been lost…..BIG HUGS from Texas! Thank for this brave post, cling to Jesus and let Him show you great things!

  5. Dear Susie,
    I am grieving with you, dear one. My heart goes out to you, Tony, and your children..it must be so hard to understand. I am praying alongside you and want you to know that you are loved! (((Hugs to you)))!
    Love, Jacque

  6. I am so, so very sorry. My heart hurts with you. I am praying for you. It is okay to tell God you hurt and you are struggling with anger. He already knows how you are feeling, and He is God enough to handle hearing it. He is holding your every tear. God bless you.

  7. I just found your site while researching avoiding the grocery store and came upon your home page. I do not know you, but I know your pain. My husband and I have six precious children here on earth and six precious ones we pray we will meet one day before the Lord. I suffered four miscarriages in a row and it brought me to the brink of losing my faith. It's okay to be angry with God – His shoulders are broad enough to handle; it's okay to scream and yell and cry – holding it in and not letting it out poisons the soul. I am now almost 40 and my youngest is three. I so want to hold another child. The Bible says that the empty womb is never satisfied. I have to accept that my season of child bearing years may be coming to a close. I pray that my womb remains open, but only if I can carry the child to term. Otherwise, I pray that God closes it. I have not conceived or miscarried in three year, which is a blessing too. Keep strong in your faith. The light of a woman that has lost and is not afraid to share is brighter than you may realize. I will pray for you and your family.

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