Here I am, pregnant. I’ve kept it to myself since the beginning of August. Partly to protect myself, partly to protect those near and dear to me.
I’ve had two stillborns and three miscarriages, four of those losses happened since my last little guy was born six years ago. So, I waited and waited and waited to tell everyone. I knew for a month before I even told my husband. My kids found out two weeks ago when I was four months along.
I just didn’t want to hurt them, to put them through that pain again if something happened to this little one. I know it’s out of my control, but a part of me feels responsible for all of those losses.
If you’ve been following me for awhile, you know my story. Last year I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks, but it really shook my faith for the first time. You can read that birth announcement here and miscarriage announcement(not sure what to call it) here.
But eventually, I began to draw near to God. Through all of my shattered dreams, He became my ultimate dream.
And so here we are. I didn’t think I’d ever get pregnant again and was quite comfortable with that. But God has a plan. My last pregnancy, I had so much faith that everything was going to be good, that I would get to hold my little angel, alive and breathing. God led me to the name, Eliana, which means God has answered. I held onto that and truly believed He was going to answer me then.
But He didn’t. At least not then. I felt betrayed for awhile. I had so much faith in my own outcome, but believing it was His intended outcome.
So when tragedy struck, I crumbled. Yet somehow, I felt as if He truly would answer, someday perhaps? I didn’t know how or when, but I knew He didn’t lead me to that name for no reason.
Could this be His answer? I don’t know. I am blind to the outcome of this pregnancy. I have to just trust that He knows what is best. That’s the hard part. That’s true faith, not in an expected outcome, but just holding on to His hand, believing that He will get me through it no matter what.
My last miscarriage really opened my eyes to what true faith is. We are totally blind to His plan for us. But we have to trust that no matter if it goes the way we like or not, we will continue to draw near to Him. Oh how I want this pregnancy to end well! To actually have a baby to hold and nurture! I love my little Eliana so much already and the thought of losing her breaks my heart!
I even bought a doppler so that I can listen to her heartbeat. If something should happen, I will find out on my own, not at the doctor’s office. The torture of laying on the exam table while they are searching and searching for a heartbeat that wasn’t there has happened way too many times. I love my doppler!
So here I am, feeling her little kicks as I’m writing, cherishing every movement she makes.