There's a Reason I haven't Posted in a While…

Here I am, pregnant.  I’ve kept it to myself since the beginning of August.  Partly to protect myself, partly to protect those near and dear to me.

I’ve had two stillborns and three miscarriages, four of those losses happened since my last little guy was born six years ago.  So, I waited and waited and waited to tell everyone.  I knew for a month before I even told my husband.  My kids found out two weeks ago when I was four months along.

I just didn’t want to hurt them, to put them through that pain again if something happened to this little one.  I know it’s out of my control, but a part of me feels responsible for all of those losses.

If you’ve been following me for awhile, you know my story.  Last year I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks, but it really shook my faith for the first time.  You can read that birth announcement here and miscarriage announcement(not sure what to call it) here.

But eventually, I began to draw near to God.  Through all of my shattered dreams, He became my ultimate dream.

And so here we are.  I didn’t think I’d ever get pregnant again and was quite comfortable with that.  But God has a plan.  My last pregnancy, I had so much faith that everything was going to be good, that I would get to hold my little angel, alive and breathing.  God led me to the name, Eliana, which means God has answered.  I held onto that and truly believed He was going to answer me then.

But He didn’t.  At least not then.  I felt betrayed for awhile.  I had so much faith in my own outcome, but believing it was His intended outcome.

So when tragedy struck, I crumbled.  Yet somehow, I felt as if He truly would answer, someday perhaps?  I didn’t know how or when, but I knew He didn’t lead me to that name for no reason.

Could this be His answer?  I don’t know.  I am blind to the outcome of this pregnancy.  I have to just trust that He knows what is best.  That’s the hard part.  That’s true faith, not in an expected outcome, but just holding on to His hand, believing that He will get me through it no matter what.

My last miscarriage really opened my eyes to what true faith is.  We are totally blind to His plan for us.  But we have to trust that no matter if it goes the way we like or not, we will continue to draw near to Him.  Oh how I want this pregnancy to end well!  To actually have a baby to hold and nurture!  I love my little Eliana so much already and the thought of losing her breaks my heart!

I even bought a doppler so that I can listen to her heartbeat.  If something should happen, I will find out on my own, not at the doctor’s office.  The torture of laying on the exam table while they are searching and searching for a heartbeat that wasn’t there has happened way too many times.  I love my doppler!

So here I am, feeling her little kicks as I’m writing, cherishing every movement she makes.

I’m 18 weeks pregnant.  If you think of it, can you pray for me?

                        Me and my pregnant dog:)

11 comments on “There's a Reason I haven't Posted in a While…

  1. I'm so happy for you <3 definitely will be praying. I have not been through losses so I cannot imagine how hard that must be. We don't know why but it took 4 yrs to get pregnant with our second and 5 yrs for this baby, our third. We were not expecting to get pregnant again so it was a wonderful surprise!! 38 weeks now 🙂 Enjoy those wonderful little kicks. Love to you and your family.!

  2. Dear Susie, I am so delighted for you and your family! What a precious blessing and a great gift from our Father… My mother and I have been folling your blog for awhile now…since we bought and read your ebook actually and we are so happy to hear your pregnancy is going well…all praise to the Lord! After 3 miscarriages in 2 years, we never thought my mom would carry full term again…oh, how heartbreaking to lose those precious little ones! When Mom found out she was expecting again (number 7) we didn't get our hopes up…like you, actually…but after a scan, the doctor found a healthy baby and Mom is now about 15 weeks along! We are so thankful! As we are all girls, we are kinda hoping for a little brother this time! I will be praying for you whenever I pray for my mother!
    Blessings to you, Susie!
    Love in Christ,

  3. I understand too. I had 2 children born with issues at 7 1/2 months. They weren't twins, separate pregnancies. When I had my daughter, we waited until I was over 5 months pregnant. It was hard to hide and I couldn't believe people didn't see it. Now I have 2 beautiful daughters ages 17 and 21. I also have 2 sons in heaven. Just thought I would share. I will pray for you and your family.

  4. Oh how wonderful, we have an Ellyanna (based off the same Hebrew name) and she is an answered to prayer. I am just so happy for you Susie!!!

  5. SUSIE!!!!!!!!!!!
    What beautiful news! I am so thrilled at this announcement. I remember praying for you and your sweet family when you lost your little one. I will most definitely be praying for you and this new life God has blessed you with. I am so THRILLED for you!!!!! I want to laugh and cry for joy at the same time. I don't know how you could have kept this a secret from your family as long as you did.

    Big hugs to you sister, and you look absolutely beautiful.
    Janet…. Countrylivingmama

  6. Congratulations! I will be praying for you as I read your messages and eBook, The Homesteading Wife's Christian Devotional. I signed up for emails a few months ago, but since God's timing is perfect, I needed to read this today. Thank you for sharing your story, your struggles and your praises! With much prayer, my hubby and I moved 5 hours away to a small rundown farm in the UP of Michigan. I left my kids, grandchildren, friends and church to take care of my angry, father-in-law with alzhiemers while trying to get the farm back in order. My struggles are overwhelming at times. To God Be The Glory! Now to get back to your Devotional. Thank you, Suzy

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