Pregnancy Update!

I really can’t believe I’m actually saying this but, I will be induced this Thursday!  After having two stillborns and three miscarriages, I am still in awe that I’ve come this far.  Although I am not holding this little gal in my arms yet and I certainly cannot take anything for granted, the excitement of it all is just about to drive me nuts!

One of the reasons I am posting about this update is for myself.  To write down all of my thoughts(there are so many!) that are going through my head.  Writing is a good release for me.  But many of you are wondering about this pregnancy too and I really appreciate your prayers from the very beginning!

I have to keep myself from obsessing over it.  I daydream about arriving at the hospital, walking into the labor and deliver room, happy.  I think about Eliana being born and I picture seeing her for the first time and tears come just from thinking about it.  I dream of holding her, feeling her soft, warm cheeks, watching her breathe softly, listening to her cry, nursing her to sleep and seeing pure joy on my husband’s face.  I think about bringing her home to my children and how ecstatic they will be.  Far too many times, I’ve come home empty handed.

But sometimes those negative thoughts come and I worry.  If I don’t feel her moving as much, or sometimes when I get the nonstress tests, my mind can play tricks on me.  My first stillborn died on the exam table at the doctor’s office right before getting a nonstress test at 37 weeks.  So many little things have triggered memories of all of the heartache.  I see nurses rolling the little cribs on wheels with sweet little babies down the hall and I think of my Gabriel.  When they took him away, he was put in one of those cribs and rolled down the hall, but he was not alive.  The same radiology room I sit in now to wait for my ultrasound appointments is the same one I sat in twice, when they could not find a heartbeat with my last two miscarriages.  Waiting there, knowing the probable outcome, was torture.

Yet, so many things have triggered hope as well.  I go in twice a week for nonstress tests and one time they put me in the labor and delivery room.  And there it was, the baby warmer.  Oh my!  To foresee her in there flailing her chubby arms, crying while the nurse tends to her after she is born…oh my!  What a wonderful sight!  I’ve had more ultrasounds with her than any of my children and am very thankful they are keeping a close watch on her.  So I’ve seen her a lot, which has created such a special bond. I hear her heartbeat twice, sometimes three time a week,  I’ve never been so in tune with any of my babies in the womb as her.

They are inducing me at 37 weeks to reduce the risk of another stillbirth.  So if you think of it, on March 3rd, would you pray for us?  I know He is in control.  And I know He loves little Eliana more than I do.  But I sure hope He has plans to keep her with me, alive.

9 comments on “Pregnancy Update!

  1. Susie – I have tears in my eyes as I read this and see your photo at the top. I didn't know you were expecting, and the photo took my breath away. I corresponded a little bit with you a few years back after we both lost our babies through miscarriage at about the same time. One of your posts spoke so strongly to my heart and helped me re-focus my heart on what was good and true. I just placed my hand on your photo on my computer screen and prayed for a hedge of protection around your sweet baby, you, your husband, and your children – that God will give you all a healthy baby to hold and bring home. I will be praying for you every day up through Thursday. May God give you the desire of your heart! Love, Jennifer

  2. Your family has always been a great image of inspiration and hope for others. I remember that somber day of the past all too well. I recall your mother telling me, as your friend, to be strong for you, yet somehow it was the other way around. You showed such amazing strength and courage that it was God's spirit through you that became infectious. It was a day laced with sorrow for sure, but I most remember witnessing the power of God working through you and your family. We will be praying that in just a few short days you are holding a beautiful, healthy baby girl bursting with life and possibilities. Her name will proclaim Jehovah is God as you celebrate His wonderful gift to you. Christy Family

  3. Susie, I remember that somber day of the past all too well. Before I entered the room, your mom told me to be strong for you during your difficult time. When I entered, I quickly realized it was for me that your mother spoke, not you. I was leaning on my own abilities to cope and was found wanting. You, however, were radiating with God's power. I sat in awe as you leaned on God amidst your pain. I observed that peace that passes understanding that He promises to provide when we need it most. The day was laced with sorrow, as were the days after, but I most remember a family filled with the God's spirit. Your family's faith and steadfastness were infectious. God doesn't forget that day either. He will reward you many times over for your faithfulness. I pray that you will soon hold in your arms a beautiful, healthy, baby girl bursting with life and endless possibilities to come. I know you will rejoice in your precious gift as her name proclaims, "Jehovah is God."

  4. Just came across your blog. Is there anyway you could contact me privately? My heart goes out to you so much. Praying your last little wee one was allowed to physically stay with you and your family. I have 3 awaiting me up above….God's will……my husband and I have been trying and trying. We are now 45 and 47…..still praying, still trusting, still hoping, still believing it's possible!!! God bless you and your family……Andrea

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